*wife and I move into our new house*
bae: wow :) it’s even bigger than I thought lets unpack our things.
*unpacks a creepy ass doll*
bae: wow, how’d this get in here I haven’t seen this since my childhood..I swore we threw it away years ago? oh well..*she tries to put that obvious demon shit up on the dresser in our room*
"Fuck off Shaun I am taking a picture."
one time my girlfriend texted me this blurry picture of a thermometer and there was a second where i had a heart attack because i thought it was a pregnancy test but then i came to the realization that we’re lesbians
Literally me when I hurt people
oh god oh god oh god im so sorry is it here did i hurt you here oh god im so sorry friend
OMG AT THE END WHEN HE JUST SCOOPS THE CAT’S HEAD TO HIS CHEST. FUCK.
"remember that time when yo-"
and then yo-
just let him have the pizza
Mormon Missionary Positions
My offer just sent me an adorable revision guide and I think it included a condom
it was a tea bag
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